


It's You're Not Your

by orphan_account



Series: Grammar [1]
Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Asexual Sherlock, Case Fic, Drunk Texting, Gen, Girl Gangs, M/M, Panromantic Sherlock, Paternal Lestrade, SO, Sherlock Being Sherlock, Sherlock Is A Bit Not Good, Sherlock is a Brat, Texting, but then they sext, texting fic, well I say paternal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2014-01-18
Updated: 2014-02-20
Packaged: 2018-01-09 02:41:14
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 7,198
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1140470
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Accidental texts lead to accidental friendship lead to accidental romance lead to accidental discovery of the biggest girl gang in Europe.</p><p>***NOTE: THIS WORK IS ON A HIATUS. I DO NOT KNOW WHEN I WILL GO BACK TO IT.***</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. An Unexpected Texter

**Author's Note:**

> This is all-dialogue (or rather, texting) so if that isn't your thing, sorry!

(Tue 2:33 PM)  
Any news on the Barton case?  
-GL   

(Tue 2:35 PM)  
Is it interesting?  
-SH   

(Tue 2:36 PM)  
Wait. Who is this?  
-GL   

(Tue 2:37 PM)  
Does it matter? Is it an interesting case? Any murders?    
-SH   

(Tue 2:39 PM)  
No, robbery. And again, who is this?  
-GL   

(Tue 2:42 PM)  
Boring. And obviously not who you are meant to be texting.  
-SH   

(Tue 2:43 PM)  
Obviously.  
-GL 

(Tue 11:01 PM)  
So, why did you want to know if there was a murder?  
-GL   

(Tue 11:03 PM)  
Why does anybody? Curiosity.  
-SH   

(Tue 11:05 PM)  
Most blokes don't have a casual interest in homicide.  
-GL   

(Tue 11:06 PM)  
I'm not most "blokes". And assuming I'm a man? How presumptuous of you.  
-SH   

(Tue 11:07 PM)  
Well I'm right, aren't I?  
-GL   

(Tue 11:08 PM)  
Would you like a medal? Perhaps a round of applause? It's not that hard to assume I am one of two sexes.  
-SH   

(Tue 11:11 PM)  
If my brilliance isn't appreciated here, I'll just take it elsewhere.  
-GL   

(Tue 11:12 PM)  
Please do.  
-SH   

***

(Wed 7:03 AM)  
Feeling any better today?  
-GL   

(Wed 8:07 AM)  
Why do you continue to text me? It's most annoying.  
-SH   

(Wed 8:09 AM)  
Why do you keep replying? Anyways, it's fun to annoy strangers via texting.  
-GL   

(Wed 8:12 AM)  
Oh, so you do this often? Share your stupidity with the rest of humanity?  
-SH   

(Wed 8:13 AM)  
Obviously having another bad day, you are.  
-GL   

(Wed 8:15 AM)  
You have made it infinitely more horrid.  
-SH   

(Wed 8:16 AM)  
You know me, always happy to help.  
-GL   

(Wed 8:16 AM)  
No, I don't know you. Stop texting.  
-SH   

(Wed 8:17 AM)  
No thanks. I quite like annoying you.  
-GL   

(Wed 8:18 AM)  
Cease and desist or I will block your number.  
-SH   

(Wed 8:20 AM)  
Sure you will. Have fun being a git all by your lonesome.  
-GL   

(Wed 8:21 AM)  
Will do.  
-SH


	2. Of Suave Bond References and Stomach Cramps

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> And so the madness continues.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to all commenters, kudos-ers and supporters!

(Thur 7:03 AM)  
How old are you?  
-GL   

(Thur 7:06 AM)  
Oh my God. Are you a kid? Have I been texting a teenager?  
-GL   

(Thur 7:09 AM)  
So does your Ma know you text strange old men?  
-GL   

(Thur 7:11 AM)  
Did you actually block my number?  
-GL   

(Thur 7:12 AM)  
For God's sake, you're interrupting my experiment. Stop texting.  
-SH   

(Thur 7:13 AM)  
Oh, so you haven't blocked my number? How kind of you.  
-GL   

(Thur 7:15 AM)  
What kind of experiment is it?  
-GL   

(Thur 7:16)  
If I tell you, will you leave me alone?  
-SH    


(Thur 7:18 AM)  
Sure. for now.  
-GL   

(Thur 7:20 AM)  
I am documenting the decomposition of the human retinæ when doused in various chemical solutions.  
-SH 

(Thur 7:22 AM)  
Sounds fun. And illegal.  
-GL   

(Thur 7:23 AM)  
Definitely. Most likely but laws are petty and usually only apply to other people.  
-SH   

(Thur 7:24 AM)  
I have to go get ready for work. You have fun with that eyeball stuff.  
-GL   

***   

(Fri 12:13 PM)  
Is it worth it walking to Costa's for a decent cup of coffee?  
-GL   

(Fri 12:15 PM)  
I'm busy.  
-SH   

(Fri 12:16 PM)  
So? Answer the question; is it worth it?  
-GL   

(Fri 12:17 PM)  
Why should I care?  
-SH   

(Fri 12:18 PM)  
Because this will probably be the most important decision I make today.  
-GL   

(Fri 12:19 PM)  
How quaint.  
-SH   

(Fri 12:27 PM)  
Don't bother with the coffee. Get the mint tea, it's much better.  
-SH   

(Fri 12:29 PM)  
Too late. I got an Americano.  
-GL   

(Fri 12:31 PM)  
I do so hope you enjoy crippling stomach cramps.  
-SH   

(Fri 12:34 PM)  
Some of us have stomachs of steel, thank you very much.  
-GL    


(Fri 12:35 PM)  
So you're a tea kinda guy?  
-GL   

(Fri 12:36 PM)  
Don't you have police work to be getting on with?  
-SH  

(Fri 12:37 PM)  
Ooh, watch out, it's the grammar police.  
-GL   

(Fri 12:38 PM)  
How did you know I was a police officer?  
-GL   

(Fri 12:39 PM)  
Don't tell me you have such a short span of memory that you've forgotten why you originally (and rather stupidly) texted me.  
-SH   

(Fri 12:41 PM)  
Alright, alright. I get it.  
-GL   

(Fri 12:43 PM)  
It would be unsurprising if you didn't.  
-SH   

(Fri 12:45 PM)  
Have you eaten today?  
-GL   

(Fri 12:47 PM)  
First annoying me, now asking if I've eaten today? You sound an awful lot like my mother, officer.  
-SH   

(Fri 12:49 PM)  
It's Detective Inespector, actually.  
-GL   

(Fri 12:50 PM)  
Bragging about something as banial as rank.  
How human.  
-SH   

(Fri 12:52 PM)  
Oh, shut up.  
-GL   

(Fri 12:53 PM)  
Why?  
-SH   

(Fri 12:54 PM)  
Because you're being a bit of a prat.  
Go eat something and text me when you're feeling less like a two year old.  
-GL   

(Fri 12:56 PM)  
Gladly.  
Goodbye, Inspector.  
-SH   

(Fri 12:59 PM)  
The names Greg. Greg Lestrade.  
-GL   

(Fri 1:14 PM)  
Really? Not even an exasperated reply to my suave Bond reference?  
-GL   

(Fri 1:16 PM)  
Fine. Have it your way.  
-GL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There should be another chapter up tomorrow.
> 
> And of course, if you have any questions about whats to come just send me a message here or on tumblr at sherlockhymns dot tumblr dot com


	3. What's New Copycat?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's actually plot this time? Colour me surprised.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, a friend asked me what Lestrade is doing investigating robberies. Two reasons: 
> 
> 1\. There have been murders at the crime scenes.
> 
> 2\. I think consecutive robberies on a large scale constitute Serious Crime? 
> 
> But please, allow me some creative leeway.

(Sat 10:18 AM)   
Tell me about the robbery.   
-SH   

(Sat 10:18 AM)   
Did you eat anything like I told you to?   
-GL   

(Sat 10:19 AM)   
No.   
Tell me about the robbery.   
-SH   

(Sat 10:20 AM)   
Seriously? Go eat something.   
-GL   

(Sat 10:20 AM)   
Why?   
Tell me about the robbery.   
-SH   

(Sat 10:23 AM)   
Because you strike me as insufferable skinny bastard.   
-GL   

(Sat 10:24 AM)   
If I eat, tell me about the robbery.   
-SH   

(Sat 10:25 AM)   
Fine.   
-GL   

(Sat 10:26 AM)   
I want proof.   
-GL   

(Sat 10:38 AM)   
Happy?   
Tell me about the robbery.   
[Image Attachment (1)]   
-SH   

(Sat 10:39 AM)   
All you could muster up was a half-arsed sandwich?   
-GL   

(Sat 10:40 AM)   
I wasn't aware you were expecting a three course meal, Mum.   
-SH   

(Sat 10:41 AM)   
Don't sass me, young man.   
-GL   

(Sat 10:42 AM)   
You do the exasperated parent impression well.   
Tell me about the robbery.   
-SH   

(Sat 10:45 AM)   
Fine, but I'm pretty sure I'm breaking like ten different laws here.   
-GL   

(Sat 10:48 AM)   
Some jewellers got flooded by women. Five minutes later, they've been robbed of nearly all their jewellery in the comotion. Three dead.  
-GL   

(Sat 10:49 AM)   
Which shop was it? Where?   
-SH   

(Sat 10:50 AM)   
Fraser Hart, I think. And Hatton Garden. This mean anything to you?   
-GL   

(Sat 10:51 AM)   
Shut up. I'm thinking.   
-SH   

(Sat 10:58 AM)   
Oh. This is good.   
-SH   

(Sat 10:59 AM)   
What is? Your sandwich?   
-GL   

(Sat 11:00 AM)   
Who cares about food when there is a copy-cat girl gang terrorizing Londons' wealthiest?   
-SH   

(Sat 11:02 AM)   
Okay, you've lost me.   
-GL   

(Sat 11:03 AM)   
Of course I have.   
-SH   

(Sat 11:04 AM)   
A gang called the Rainbow Girls committed the same crime in Aberdeen, Scotland. This is obviously a copy.   
-SH   

(Sat 11:05 AM)   
Pair that with the string of robberies and recent political scandals leaked by anonymous sources and you have a highly intelligent gang.   
-SH   

(Sat 11:07 AM)   
Wait. How did you know about the other robberies? The last two didn't even make it to the papers.   
-GL   

(Sat 11:10 AM)   
Police databases are incredibly easy to hack into, Lestrade.   
-SH   

(Sat 11:11 AM)   
You can call me Greg, you know.   
-GL   

(Sat 11:12 AM)   
I'd rather not. It implies a certain amount of friendliness.   
-SH   

(Sat 11:14 AM)   
We've been texting almost a week. I like to think we know each other a bit.   
-GL   

(Sat 11:15 AM)   
An oversight on your part, obviously. You don't even know my name.   
-SH   

(Sat 11:16 AM)   
About that, what is your name?   
-GL     

(Sat 11:20 AM)   
Must you really know?   
-SH   

(Sat 11:21 AM)   
Yes. I just told you classified information, your name would be nice in exchange.   
-GL   

(Sat 11:22 AM)   
Sherlock. Sherlock Holmes.   
-SH   

(Sat 11:23 AM)   
Wow. Your parents must have really hated you.   
-GL   

(Sat 11:24 AM)   
Evidently.   
-SH   

(Sat 11:26 AM)   
I gotta go. Theres been another robbery.   
-GL   

(Sat 11:27 AM)   
Go do whatever you morons consider police work.   
-SH   

***   

(Sat 9:36 PM)   
How did you know the political scandals were related?   
-GL   

(Sat 9:38 PM)   
"Queenie".   
-SH   

(Sat 9:39 PM)   
What's that suposed to mean?   
-GL   

(Sat 9:39 PM)   
I am not your personal search engine. Google it.   
-SH   

(Sat 9:43 PM)   
Stephanie St. Claire. I thought she sold out police officers, not PM's.   
-GL   

(Sat 9:44 PM)   
She sold out NYPD officers by putting out advertisments in newspapers.   
-SH   

(Sat 9:45 PM)   
Same way this gang did.   
-GL   

(Sat 9:47 PM)   
Correct. Need me to spell out anything else for you, Inspector?   
-SH   

(Sat 9:50 PM)   
Yes. What are you?   
-GL   

(Sat 9:51 PM)   
A genius.   
-SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Queenie was a real female gangster from the 1930's who really did do all that stuff.
> 
> The Rainbow Girls are known for robbing shops in Aberdeen, as well.
> 
> The chapter title is a reference to the song "What's New Pussycat" which was sung by Tom Jones in a movie of the same name.
> 
> Thank you for all the hits, kudos and comments! Feel free to message me at sherlockhymns dot tumblr dot com.


	4. Turn Left

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock deals with his ~feelings~ by alternatig between being a sulking five year old or a very helpful human version of Google Maps.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy heck this is the longest chapter yet! Seven pages in word! I apologize for the stiff start, I was half paying attention while writing this. 
> 
> Thank you for all the hits and kudos! You guys rock!

(Sun 12:37 PM)   
I found your website.   
-GL   

(Sun 12:40 PM)   
What did you think of it?   
-SH   

(Sun 12:42 PM)   
It was an experience, that's for sure.   
-GL   

(Sun 12:46 PM)   
Oh.   
-SH   

(Sun 12:47 PM)   
So you're a genius. A legitimate genius.   
-GL   

(Sun 12:48 PM)   
I don't lie about my intelligence, Inspector.   
-SH   

(Sun 12:49 PM)   
I didn't even know there were that many types of ash.   
-GL   

(Sun 12:50 PM)   
I'm currently in the process of creating another. It's really rather interesting.   
-SH   

(Sun 12:52 PM)   
I'll take your word for it, mate.   
-GL   

(Sun 12:53 PM)   
Is that what you do, then? Solve crimes for a living?   
-GL   

(Sun 12:54 PM)   
Not really. I don't get paid for my work.   
-SH   

(Sun 12:55 PM)   
If you don't get paid, how do you get by?   
-GL   

(Sun 12:57 PM)   
Rich parents. Older brother who often masquerades as the British Government. Flatmate.   
-SH   

(Sun 12:58 PM)   
God, how do they cope with you? Living there all day, every day.   
-GL   

(Sun 12:59 PM)   
With great difficulty, as John often reminds me.   
-SH   

(Sun 1:01 PM)   
How old are you, anyway? You still in college?   
-GL   

(Sun 1:04 PM)   
I don't see how that has any bearing on our conversations.   
-SH   

(Sun 1:05 PM)   
It doesn't but you seemed to be in a sharing mood.   
Thought I'd try my luck.   
-GL   

(Sun 1:06 PM)   
Well I'm not.   
Goodbye, George.   
-SH   

(Sun 1:07 PM)   
My name is Greg, you dick.   
-GL   

(Sun 7:46 PM)   
Thai or Italian?   
-GL   

(Sun 7:45 PM)   
Italian.   
-SH   

(Sun 10:09 PM)   
Boddington or Old Speckled Hen?   
-GL   

(Sun 10:10 PM)   
Neither. John Smith's Extra Smooth.   
-SH   

(Sun 10:12 PM)   
Don't have it.   
-GL   

(Sun 10:13 PM)   
Tennants.   
-SH   

(Sun 10:15 PM)   
Roger that.   
-GL   

(Sun 11:57 PM)   
Goodnight, Sherlock.   
-GL   

(Sun 11:58 PM)   
Goodnight, Inspector.   
-SH   

***   

(Mon 7:03 AM)   
Good morning,  Sherlock.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:04 AM)   
Good morning, Lestrade.   
-SH   

(Mon 7:05 AM)   
Make sure to actually eat breakfast.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:06 AM)   
Whatever you say, Mother.   
-SH   

(Mon 7:08 AM)   
Oh God, it's one of those days, isn't it?   
-GL   

(Mon 7:09 AM)   
I have no idea what you are going on about.   
-SH   

(Mon 7:11 AM)   
One of those antisocial days.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:13 AM)   
It is not being antisocial. Do not presume to know me.   
-SH   

(Mon 7:15 AM)   
Whatever, Sherlock.   
Just, eat something and go sulk.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:16 AM)   
Don't think this means I'll be leaving you alone, though.   
-GL   

(Mon 9:26 AM)   
You're late for work.   
-SH   

(Mon 9:27 AM)   
I am well aware, thank you.   
-GL   

(Mon 9:28 AM)   
Take a left at the roundabout instead of a right.   
There's been a car crash on your usual route.   
-SH   

(Mon 9:30 AM)   
Cheers.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:16 AM)   
There was another robbery.   
You feeling any better?   
-GL   

(Mon 11:17 AM)   
Tell me about it.   
No.   
-SH   

(Mon 11: 23 AM)   
Another jewellers,  two streets down from the last. Two dead.   
Did you at least eat?   
-GL   

(Mon 11:24 AM)   
Get me pictures.   
Of course I didn't.   
-SH   

(Mon 11:26 AM)   
I'm pretty sure that's illegal.   
Go eat, you whiny child.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:27 AM)   
If I eat, will you get me pitures?   
-SH   

(Mon 11:29 AM)   
I'm beginning to see a pattern here.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:30 AM)   
Is that as yes?   
-SH   

(Mon 11:32 AM)   
I expect more than a lazy sandwich. Something substantial, please.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:33 AM)   
You get me pictures of every last detail, and it'll be a three course meal.   
-SH   

(Mon 11:35 AM)   
Anything in particular you want to see?   
-GL   

(Mon 11:36 AM)   
Everything. Security footage and I'll even sleep.   
-SH   

(Mon 11:37 AM)   
I'll see what I can do.   
Go eat, Sherlock.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:38 AM)   
Yes, Mummy.   
-SH   

(Mon 11:40 AM)   
Don't ever call me that again.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:41 AM)   
Why not?   
-SH   

(Mon 11:42 AM)   
Because no man over the age of six calls their Ma 'Mummy'.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:46 AM)   
Oh don't tell me I upset you.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:49 AM)   
Fuck.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:54 AM)   
Dammit Sherlock, it was a joke.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:56 AM)   
I wasn't upset. I was making breakfast.   
-SH   

(Mon 11:57 AM)   
Uh-huh. Sure you were, Mr Emotionally Constipated.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:59 AM)   
Goodbye, Geoffrey.   
-SH   

(Mon 12:00 PM)   
It's Greg, dammit.   
-GL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, ive been trying to decide what age to make Sherlock. Lestrade is late 30s - early 40s. I dont know if I should go for barely-legal shithead Sherlock or Mid Twenties Dork Sherlock or closer to Lesteade's age? Suggestions are welcomed!


	5. Desperate Times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Plot, plot, plot.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for this being a short and a bit late chapter. My friend from Canada flew in to Scotland so I spent Friday and today with her. It was great!

(Tue 1:36 AM)   
Do you have the photos yet?   
-SH   

(Tue 1:38 AM)   
Christ no. It's one in the morning.   
-GL   

(Tue 1:39 AM)   
So?   
-SH   

(Tue 1:40 AM)   
Some of us like to do this thing called sleeping.   
-GL   

(Tue 1:41 AM)   
How boring.   
-SH   

(Tue 1:43 AM)   
Goodnight, Sherlock.   
-GL   

(Tue 2:07 AM)   
I hate you.   
-GL   

(Tue 2:08 AM)   
Most people do.   
-SH   

(Tue 2:10 AM)   
Can't imagine why.   
I can't sleep thanks to you.   
-GL   

(Tue 2:11 AM)   
Good thing you don't have work tomorrow.   
-SH   

(Tue 2:16 AM)   
I'm not even gonna ask how you know that.   
-GL   

(Tue 2:17 AM)   
Police databases are terrifyingly easy to hack into. It wasn't that hard to find your work schedule.   
-SH   

(Tue 2:18 AM)   
Oh, wonderful. What else do you know about me?   
-GL   

(Tue 2:20 AM)   
I know that you are forty-one and most likely beginning to worry about your greying hair. I also know that you have an ex-wife and she kept the child, a one Charlie Lestrade, aged five.   
-SH   

(Tue 2:23 AM)   
If it weren't two in the morning, I'd be a lot more worried.   
-GL   

(Tue 2:24 AM)   
What is it you do at two in the morning, anyway?   
-GL   

(Tue 2:25 AM)   
Play the violin until John leaves his bedroom and throws an object or two at me.   
-SH   

(Tue 2:26 AM)   
And then?   
-GL   

(Tue 2:27 AM)   
Continue to play the violin.   
-SH   

(Tue 2:28 AM)   
You sound like a right dream of a flatmate.   
My prayers go out to John.   
-GL   

(Tue 2:29 AM)   
I wasn't aware you were religious.   
-SH   

(Tue 2:30 AM)   
Desperate times call for desperate measures.   
I'm fairly sure John is a desperate man.   
-GL   

(Tue 2:32 AM)   
Is it worth it getting out of bed?   
-GL   

(Tue 2:33 AM)   
Not usually, no.   
-SH   

(Tue 2:35 AM)   
Well then I'm going back to sleep.   
Goodnight, Sherlock.   
-GL   

(Tue 2:34 AM)   
Goodnight, Lestrade.   
-SH   

(Tue 1:09 PM)   
Ham and cheese or bacon butty?   
-GL   

(Tue 1:10 PM)   
Ham and cheese. You need to cut down on your fatty foods, beginning to look a bit thick, Inespector.   
-SH   

(Tue 1:11 PM)   
Wow, right good friend, you are.   
-GL   

(Tue 1:12 PM)   
I'm right though, aren't I?   
-SH   

(Tue 1:13 PM)   
Shut up. I'm having a bacon butty and nobody can stop me.   
-GL   

(Tue 1:15 PM)   
Then why did you ask for my opinion?   
-SH   

(Tue 1:15 PM)   
Just to annoy you.   
-GL   

(Tue 1:17 PM)   
Do you have the photos?   
-SH   

(Tue 1:18 PM)   
Yeah, Dimmock sent them to me. You'll get them after my lunch.   
-GL   

(Tue 1:29 PM)   
Hurry up and eat.   
-SH   

(Tue 1:21 PM)   
One minute you're telling me not to eat it, now you're encouraging me? Mixed signals much.   
-GL   

(Tue 1:22 PM)   
Less texting, more eating.   
-SH   

(Tue 1:56 PM)   
What's your email address?   
-GL   

(Tue 1:57 PM)   
Sherlock.s.holmes@email.co.uk.   
-SH   

(Tue 1:58 PM)   
What does the 'S' stand for?   
-GL   

(Tue 1:59 PM)   
Scott.   
-SH   

(Tue 2:00 PM)   
No security footage?   
-SH   

(Tue 2:03 PM)   
They blacked out seconds before the gang entered.   
-GL   

(Tue 2:04 PM)   
Any DNA at the crime scene?   
-SH   

(Tue 2:05 PM)   
No fingerprints but traces of red lipstick on each of the jewellery cases. It'll take at least a week to check for DNA. They're backed up like crazy over that the labs.   
-GL   

(Tue 2:06 PM)   
Single gunshot wound to the head to both clerks. Fired from a small firearm, easy to conceal. Amazing accuracy. Obviously trained, then.   
-SH   

(Tue 2:07 PM)   
So we're looking for someone with military training?   
-GL   

(Tue 2:08 PM)   
Possibly. Or government work. Of course, unofficial mercernary work is something to be thought about. Any witnesses?   
-SH   

(Tue 2:10 PM)   
Yeah, one in the shop. She hid in the staff room, didn't see a thing. Passersby said they saw an jeep leaving the scene, no plate.   
-GL   

(Tue 2:11 PM)   
I need time to think. Go away.   
-SH   

(Tue 2:13 PM)   
Could ask nicely, you know.   
-GL   

(Tue 3:02 PM)   
What was stolen?   
-SH   

(Tue 3:07 PM)   
Hold on, I've got a list.   
[File Attachment (1)]   
-GL   

(Tue 3:09 PM)   
All womens, proving my female gang theory. Fitting of a high end price range. Formal party wear?   
-SH   

(Tue 3:10 PM)   
They also hit an Anne Summers and a Lipsy.   
-SH   

(Tue 3:12 PM)   
You sound like you have an idea.   
-GL   

(Tue 3:14 PM)   
Next Thursday there is a charity event. All the higher-ups of the political world are going. Both foreign and British.   
-SH   

(Tue 3:16 PM)   
You think they're going to crash the event?   
-GL   

(Tue 3:17 PM)   
No. But I think someone there may be in danger. Why upstage a charity event?   
-SH   

(Tue 3:18 PM)   
Money?   
-GL   

(Tue 3:19 PM)   
Too obvious. I need to think. Go away.   
-SH   

(Tue 3:20 PM)   
Fine. Let me know when you figure it out.   
-GL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for any spelling mistakes, I just kinda pumped this out, exhausted and didn't beta read it.
> 
> Speaking of: I'm in search of a beta reader! If anyone would like to step up to the plate, leave me a comment or message me at sherlockhymns dot tumblr dot com!
> 
> Thank you.


	6. Love Is Like A Door To The Face

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First lovers spat, anyone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I was listening to Love Is An Open Door from Frozen while writing this and got sad because Hans. So you guys get some angst. 
> 
> Also, phone calls!

(Tue 10:12 PM)   
How's the thinking going?   
-GL   

(Tue 10:13 PM)   
Good. I have several leads. It will take time.   
-SH   

(Tue 10:14 PM)   
Thank you.   
-GL   

(Tue 10:15 PM)   
Whatever for?   
-SH   

(Tue 10:16 PM)   
For keeping me company.   
-GL   

(Tue 10:17 PM)   
I am merely a block of code on your phone screen.   
-SH   

(Tue 10:18 PM)   
You're acting strange, Inspector.   
-SH   

(Tue 10:20 PM)   
I have been reliably informed by the Yarders that I get 'mushy' after a couple drinks.   
-GL   

(Tue 10:21 PM)   
You drink excessively.   
-SH   

(Tue 10:22 PM)   
We all have our vices. Mine is being a functioning alcoholic hooked on bad beer.   
-GL   

(Tue 10:23 PM)   
It's not good for a man of your age.   
-SH   

(Tue 10:25 PM)   
I'm going to ignore that reference to my age.   
-GL   

(Tue 10:27 PM)   
Got any vices, yourself?   
-GL   

(Tue 10:30 PM)   
Yes.   
-SH   

(Tue 10:32 PM)   
Do tell.   
-GL   

(Tue 10:34 PM)   
Why should I?   
-SH   

(Tue 10:35 PM)   
Because you know a lot about me and I know nothing about you?   
-GL   

(Tue 10:37 PM)   
I'm twenty-six, live in central London in a flat with my partner, John Watson. I was diagnosed as a Genius at age four and spoke my first word at age six.   
-SH   

(Tue 10:38 PM)   
My brother Mycroft is the British Government, my mother is a genius mathematician and I have no reason at all to tell you what my 'vices' are.   
-SH   

(Tue 10:40 PM)   
Fine, you prick.   
Guess I'll leave you alone, as we obviously aren't as friendly as I thought we were.   
-GL   

(Tue 10:43 PM)   
Goodbye, Sherlock.   
-GL   

***

(Wed 9:37 PM)   
They will kidnap the French representative at the Global Charity Gala in London.   
-SH   

(Wed 9:42 PM)   
Noted. Everyone's been informed.   
Thank you, Sherlock Holmes.   
-GL   

(Wed 9:43 PM)   
Thank you, Gregory Lestrade.   
-SH   

***   

(Fri 11:56 PM)   
[Incoming Call]   

"I'm sorry for pushing you."   

(Fri 11:58 PM)   
[Call Disconnected]   

***   

(Sat 2:09 AM)   
You awake?   
-GL   

(Sat 3:11 AM)   
Guess not.   
-GL   

(Sat 3:46 AM)   
I really am sorry, you know.   
-GL   

(Sat 4:12 AM)   
I have work tomorrow. I should be sleeping.   
-GL   

(Sat 4:17 AM)   
I can't, though. Seems impossible to lie down and sleep.   
-GL   

(Sat 8:14 AM)   
Pancakes or toast?   
-GL   

(Sat 8:16 AM)   
Went with toast.   
-GL   

(Sat 9:10 AM)   
ManU vs ManC or Chelsea vs Arsenal?   
-GL   

(Sat 9:12 AM)   
You'd probably know the end scores before the game even started.   
-GL   

(Sat 12:33 PM)   
I hope you've eaten today.   
-GL   

(Sat 11:48 PM)   
[Incoming Call]   

"I'm sorry for pushing you."   

(Sat 11:50 PM)   
[Call Disconnected]   

***   

(Sun 12:03 PM)   
Somehow, I miss you.   
-GL   

(Sun 12:46 PM)   
I don't know how that's possible, but somehow I do.   
-GL   

(Sun 12:57 PM)   
We've never even met and yet I miss you. A lot.   
-GL   

(Sun 11:34 PM)   
Goodnight, Sherlock

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh, some of you were wondering if there was a way to show me things for this verse on tumblr. I track the tag 'grammar verse', so just stick stuff in there if you want me to see it. Even if its just a short post about it or a question, I'd still love to see it!
> 
> So, small chapter today, sorry! Longer one will be posted by Thursday. 
> 
> As always, comments, kudos and hits give me motivation. Don't be afraid to chat!


	7. La Da Dee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sherlock and Lestrade bring back their friendship. Mycroft is vaguely creepy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! I know I promised a chapter on Thursday but I got supremely ill. Bodily fluids were flying out both ends. Wonderful, ain't it?
> 
> Anyway, Mycroft! Epic bromamces! Fluff!
> 
> As always, only beta'd by me. Please point out any mistakes!

(Mon 7:03 AM)   
Distract him.   
-MH   

(Mon 7:08 AM)   
Who the Hell is this?   
-GL   

(Mon 7:09 AM)   
Surely you can figure it out, Inspector.   
-MH   

(Mon 7:11 AM)   
Blimey, it's seven in the morning. Spell it out.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:12 AM)   
I am Mycroft Holmes. Sherlock's brother.   
-MH   

(Mon 7:14 AM)   
Christ almighty.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:15 AM)   
Wait. Why are you texting me?   
-GL   

(Mon 7:16 AM)   
Sherlock has become insufferable.   
-MH   

(Mon 7:17 AM)   
Not following.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:19 AM)   
I have never seen my brother jump to his phone quite as fast as he does when you text him.   
-MH   

(Mon 7:19 AM)   
Not even for John Watsons' texts.   
-MH   

(Mon 7:20 AM)   
Still not following. Me and Sherlock aren't even friends.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:22 AM)   
Despite the fact that Sherlock can be volatile, seemingly-uncaring and have less than savoury interests, he is still my brother.   
-MH   

(Mon 7:23 AM)   
That's nice.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:24 AM)   
I know my brother exceptionally well, Gregory. I can tell when he cares.   
-MH   

(Mon 7:26 AM)   
Get to the point.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:27 AM)   
Sherlock has refused to leave the sofa, eat or do much of anything.   
This would be normal if not for the constant checking of his phone.   
-MH   

(Mon 7:30 AM)   
The only person he has had much mobile contact with is you, Inspector.   
'Man up', as they say.   
-MH   

(Mon 7:34 AM)   
You want me to distract him via texts he doesn't even respond to.   
Sound logic, of course.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:35 AM)   
Quite.   
-MH   

(Mon 7:38 AM)   
God I need a coffee.   
Goodbye, Mycroft.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:39 AM)   
Do as I say or there will be consequences.   
-MH   

(7:40 AM)   
Well that didn't sound ominous at all.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:41 AM)   
I will not have my brother relapse because of a lovers spat.   
-MH   

(Mon 7:43 AM)   
Well this has been fun. I'm gonna go lock all the doors and windows now.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:46 AM)   
Wait. Relapse?   
-GL   

(Mon 7:48 AM)   
Oh, fuck.   
-GL   

(Mon 7:48 AM)   
Well now I definitely need a coffee.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:32 AM)   
So your brother texted me. We had a friendly chat.   
-GL   

(Mon 12:12 PM)   
What did he have to say?   
-SH   

(Mon 12:16 PM)   
You little shit.   
-GL   

(Mon 12:17 PM)   
That bad?   
-SH   

(Mon 12:18 PM)   
You bloody ignore me and you don't even have the decency to say sorry?   
-GL   

(Mon 12:19 PM)   
That's why you're angry? Do grow up. I was busy.   
-SH   

(Mon 12:21 PM)   
No you weren't, you prat. You were moping.   
-GL   

(Mon 12:22 PM)   
Was not.   
-SH   

(Mon 12:23 PM)   
Were too.   
-GL   

(Mon 12:25 PM)   
Was not.   
-SH   

(Mon 12:26 PM)   
I have three siblings. I can play this game all night long.   
-GL   

(Mon 12:27 PM)   
What else did Mycroft tell you?   
-SH   

(Mon 12:28 PM)   
He vaguely threatened me and then stopped texting.   
-GL   

(Mon 12:30 PM)   
He may have also inadvertently let me know you are an ex-junkie.   
-GL   

(Mon 12:34 PM)   
And?   
-SH   

(Mon 12:36 PM)   
And nothing. I'm okay with it. So long as you stay clean.   
-GL   

(Mon 12:37 PM)   
Though I am kind of pissed off you didn't tell me BEFORE I gave you case information.   
-GL   

(Mon 12:39 PM)   
I have not found staying clean quite so easy until you gave me the case.   
-SH   

(Mon 12:40 PM)   
Wait. So cases help you stay clean?   
-GL   

(Mon 12:45 PM)   
Drugs are an easy and affordable escape from the banality of eveyone around me.   
-SH   

(Mon 12:47 PM)   
Get off your high horse for a minute, would you? Cases keep you clean.   
-GL   

(Mon 12:50 PM)   
We've already been over this.   
-SH   

(Mon 12:52 PM)   
I've got cases.   
-GL   

(Mon 12:54 PM)   
I give you cases, you stay clean.   
-GL   

(Mon 12:56 PM)   
Deal.   
-SH   

(Mon 1:02 PM)   
You need one now, or?  
-GL   

(Mon 1:06 PM)   
Yes.   
-SH   

(Mon 1:08 PM)   
Have fun.   
-GL   
[File Attachment (3)]   

(Mon 7:15 PM)   
Mrs. Birks stole the necklace, obviously.   
-SH   

(Mon 7:17 PM)   
Obviously?   
-GL   

(Mon 7:19 PM)   
She was having a pitiful affair with Mr. Parrish. He refused to leave his wife. She took his wifes' most treasured possession.   
-SH   

(Mon 7:20 PM)   
I'll have a look into it.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:43 PM)   
Goodnight, Sherlock.   
-GL   

(Mon 11:44 PM)   
Goodnight, Greg.   
-SH   

(Mon 11:46 PM)   
Hey, you got my name right!   
-GL   

(Mon 11:52 PM)   
Love you too, grumpypants.   
-GL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, I've changed my blog ur to krihstoff dot tumblr dot com.
> 
> As always, thank you for all the hits, kudos and comments. I have a question to ask you all: what do you think of characterization? Anything that could be improved? I'm always open to constructive criticism. 
> 
> Y e ah ok thank uwu


	8. Pillars of British Society

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which there are petty arguments, almost-confessions and far too little of a word count.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I apologise greatly for the length of this chapter. I spent the entire week listening to the trashiest throwback songs (a.k.a my writing music for this particular fic) and still nothing. So I pumped this pile of rubbish to go along with my trashy songs. 
> 
> Onto the fic?
> 
> EDIT: fixed a couple of mistakes. Nothing major.
> 
> EDIT2: uuuugh I fixed some stuff in earlier chapters. Mostly just stuff that didnt add up. Nothing major.

(Tue 12:13 PM)  
You were right.  
-GL   

(Tue 12:14 PM)  
Of course I was.  
-SH   

(Tue 12:16 PM)  
Ah, yes. I've really missed the arrogance.  
-GL   

(Tue 12:17 PM)  
I sense some sarcasm.  
-SH   

(Tue 12:18 PM)  
I can't tell if you're serious or not.  
-GL   

(Tue 12:19 PM)  
Completely serious.  
-SH   

(Tue 12:20 PM)  
How does John even handle you when you can't sense sarcasm.  
-GL   

(Tue 12:21 PM)  
"With great difficulty. " John says.  
-SH   

(Tue 12:22 PM)  
How does he even date a man as emotionally stunted as you?  
-GL   

(Tue 12:23 PM)  
Sarcasm is like one of the many pillars of British society. Practically a requirement when applying for citizenship.  
-GL   

(Tue 12:26 PM)  
I'm sorry, what?  
-SH   

(Tue 12:28 PM)  
Don't tell me I've lost you.  
-GL   

(Tue 12:29 PM)  
John and I. Dating. Each other. Together.  
-SH   

(Tue 12:30 PM)  
Yes. You are, aren't you?  
-GL   

(Tue 12:31 PM)  
No.  
-SH   

(Tue 12:32 PM)  
Oh shit. You said he was your partner, I assumed.  
-GL   

(Tue 12:33 PM)  
Wrongly, as usual.  
-SH   

(Tue 12:36 PM)  
Oh.  
-GL   

(Tue 12:37 PM)  
John and I are purely platonic. Dating is not an option for me.  
-SH   

(Tue 12:40 PM)  
Why not?  
-GL   

(Tue 12:41 PM)  
Dating is an unnecessary emotional attachment to people I find neither stimulating nor worth my time.  
-SH   

(Tue 12:43 PM)  
Well you are a ray of sunshine, aren't you?  
-GL   

(Tue 12:44 PM)  
Quite.  
-SH   

(Tue 12:45 PM)  
Have you never wanted to date someone?  
-GL   

(Tue 12:50 PM)  
No.  
-SH   

(Tue 12:51 PM)  
I can tell when you're bullshitting me. You take longer to reply.  
-GL   

(Tue 12:53 PM)  
Oh, so now you're the one with a Genius IQ?  
-SH   

(Tue 12:54 PM)  
Don't change the subject, young man.  
-GL   

(Tue 12:56 PM)  
I am twenty-six. I would hardly call that 'young'.  
-SH   

(Tue 12:58 PM)  
Shut up, smart arse. Who was it?  
-GL   

(Tue 12:59 PM)  
Why should I tell you?  
-SH   

(Tue 1:00 PM)  
Not this again.  
-GL   

(Tue 1:03 PM)  
It is a man. I enjoy his company.  
-SH   

(Tue 1:04 PM)  
Not quite the big romantic confession I envisioned but I'm sure, whoever it is, they'll be happy.  
-GL   

(Tue 1:06 PM)  
Outstanding.  
-SH   

(Tue 1:06 PM)  
What is?  
-GL   

(Tue 1:07 PM)  
Your stupidity.  
-SH   

(Tue 1:09 PM)  
I have to get back to work.  
Goodbye, Sherlock.  
-GL   

(Tue 1:10 PM)  
Goodbye, Lestrade.  
-SH

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah. Short read, huh? As always, thank you for the feedback!
> 
> You can reach me on here or on tumblr at the url queerestalpha (dot tumblr dot com).


	9. A Union Between Two

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> More murder, more bickering, more fun.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, to apologize for being a week late you can expect an action-packed chapter tomorrow (or, well as action-packed as you can get between texts and calls.) And also this sad excuse for a chapter.
> 
> In case you guys couldn't tell, it's very hard to bump up a wordcount when you're working with texting!fic
> 
> OH MY GOD THIS FIC HIT 1K OF HITS. I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH.

(Wed 7:36 PM)  
Good morning.  
-GL

(Wed 7:37 AM)  
Is it? I hadn't noticed.  
-SH

(Wed 7:38 AM)  
Did you even sleep, you grumpy fuck?  
-GL

(Wed 7:39 AM)  
No. You don't sound so happy now.  
-SH

(Wed 7:40 AM)  
Astute observation. I just found out I have a triple homicide to deal with.   
-GL

(Wed 7:40 AM)  
Is it interesting?  
-SH

(Wed 7:43 AM)  
No cases for you. You didn't sleep.  
-GL

(Wed 7:44 AM)  
What if I told you I was on the verge of a relapse?  
-SH

(Wed 7:46 AM)  
Are you?  
-GL

(Wed 7:47 AM)  
The world is a listless place. Drugs are suddenly exceedingly interesting.  
-SH

(Wed 7:48 AM)  
I hate you. So much.  
-GL

(Wed 7:49 AM)  
People often do.   
-SH

(Wed 7:53 AM)  
I have to go. Got three murders to look at. Can you last 'till then?  
-GL

(Wed 7:54 AM)  
Certainly.  
-SH

(Wed 7:55 AM)  
If I find out you're doing this just to get a case the police will never find your corpse.  
-GL

(Wed 7:57 AM)  
I would never.  
-SH

(Wed 7:58 AM)  
You dickhead.  
-GL

(Wed 7:59 AM)  
Goodbye, Lestrade.  
-SH

(Wed 12:13 PM)  
I hate paperwork. Save me.  
-GL

(Wed 12:14 PM)  
Tell me about the case.  
-SH

(Wed 12:14 PM)  
Not even a 'Hi, honey!'?  
-GL

(Wed 12:15 PM)  
Hi, honey.  
Tell me about the case.  
-SH

(Wed 12:18 PM)  
I just choked on my lunch.  
-GL

(Wed 12:19 PM)  
You are obviously fine considering you found the time to text.  
-SH

(Wed 12:20 PM)  
Anything is better than signing my name about thirty times on forms that all look the same.  
-GL

(Wed 12:22 PM)  
So tell me about the case.  
-SH

(Wed 12:25 PM)  
Three found dead. Shot point-blank. Nothing stolen so not a robbery gone wrong. Any ideas?  
-GL

(Wed 12:26 PM)  
Were they related? Where were they found? Time of death?  
-SH

(Wed 12:27 PM)  
No. In the Thames. At least 48 hours earlier. We can't tell if they were killed at the scene as the water washed away most of the evidence.  
-GL

(Wed 12:28 PM)  
Tell me about the victims.  
-SH

(Wed 12:29 PM)  
Victoria Danvers, 23. Jessica Hathorne, 29. Rachel Athens, 18. All from completely different social circles and brackets.   
-GL

(Wed 12:30 PM)  
I need to think. Leave me alone.  
-SH

(Wed 12:31 PM)  
Don't leave me with all this paperwork and no one to bitch at. Don't you dare.  
-GL

(Wed 12:33 PM)  
Goodbye, Lestrade.  
-SH

(Wed 12:34 PM)  
You are a terrible human being.  
-GL

(Wed 12:35 PM)  
I know.  
-SH

(Wed 4:09 PM)  
So we've got everything set up for the ambush tomorrow.  
-GL

(Wed 4:10 PM)  
Good. They're lethal, do try not to be fooled by their femininity.   
-SH

(Wed 4:12 PM)  
Will do. How's the thinking going?  
-GL

(Wed 4:11 PM)  
Wonderfully.  
-SH

(Wed 4:12 PM)  
I sense a degree of sarcasm. Just a smidgen.  
-GL

(Wed 4:14 PM)  
It is infuriating. I know there is a link and yet it evades me.  
-SH

(Wed 4:15 PM)  
Have you eaten? Go eat.  
-GL

(Wed 4:16 PM)  
How on Earth am I supposed to eat when there is a triple homicide left unsolved?  
-SH

(Wed 4:17 PM)  
Go eat. Clear your mind.  
-GL

(Wed 4:18 PM)  
Impossible.  
-SH

(Wed 4:20 PM)  
'Impossible.' He says. Shut up and go eat, you drama queen.  
-GL

(Wed 4:23 PM)  
I am not a drama queen.  
-SH

(Wed 4:24 PM)  
Oh, really? Go see what John thinks.  
-GL

(Wed 4:26 PM)  
John says I am a drama queen.  
-SH

(Wed 4:27 PM)  
See?   
-GL

(Wed 4:28 PM)  
Goodbye, Lestrade.  
-SH

(Wed 4:29 PM)  
Go eat, you prat.  
-GL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you can guess the link between the victims or where I got their last names from you win my complete and utter awe as well as a chance to prompt for something to be thrown into this fic at a later date, be it a scene or storyline.
> 
> Kudos to my Dad who bought me a LotR mug today with the words 'There is a union between the Two Towers' on it, as it gave me a shiny chapter title. Aww yeah.
> 
> As always, you can find me on tumblr at the url of queerestalpha. 
> 
> Comments and kudos are always appreciated!


	10. Kill Me Through The Phone

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, cleome won the plot/scene request. Feel free to request anything you want to be put into this story! You can call in your prompt at any time, if you want to wait till I've started the side-story I have planned for this verse (which will start soon!) That's okay.

(Wed 7:56 PM)  
Pizza or Chinese?  
-GL

(Wed 7:57 PM)  
Something a bit healthier, perhaps.  
-SH

(Wed 7:59 PM)  
I'm going to storm a Gala tomorrow. I think I'm allowed a bit of junk food, no?  
-GL

(Wed 8:03 PM)  
I was not aware you were going to be part of the team.  
-SH

(Wed 8:04 PM)  
Of course I am.  
-GL

(Wed 10:34 PM)  
Be careful.  
-SH

(Wed 10:56 PM)  
I will.  
Goodnight, Sherlock.  
-GL

(Wed 10:57 PM)  
Goodnight, Greg.  
-SH

***

(Thur 6:03 AM)  
I hate early mornings.  
-GL

(Thur 6:07 AM)  
I feel the same.  
-SH

(Thur 6:10 AM)  
Did you sleep?  
-GL

(Thur 6:12 AM)  
I could not.  
-SH

(Thur 6:13 PM)  
Why not?  
-GL

(Thur 6:16 AM)  
I'd rather not say.  
-SH

(Thur 6:18 AM)  
Okay. Eat something, at least.  
-GL

(Thur 6:19 AM)  
Okay.  
-SH

(Thur 6:21 AM)  
Really?  
-GL

(Thur 6:23 AM)  
Yes.  
-SH

(Thur 6:24 AM)  
Why? You never usually listen to me.  
-GL

(Thur 6:25 AM)  
I'm doing it in the hopes it will make you cease your nagging.  
-SH

(Thur 6:26 AM)  
You really don't like early mornings, do you?  
-GL

(Thur 6:28 AM)  
Don't you have something you should be doing?  
-SH

(Thur 6:30 AM)  
Actually, yes. I'll talk to you later.  
-GL

(Thur 6:32 AM)  
Goodbye, Lestrade.  
-SH

(Thur 11:23 AM)  
Just got briefed. Gala starts at 7 PM. Ends at 11 PM. Just about every power-player and country representative will be there.  
-GL

(Thur 11:24 AM)  
What formation are you using? Security?  
-SH

(Thur 11:26 AM)  
Wedge formation from all directions. Security has been placed on Alexandre Océane. Any sign of an attack and he will be pulled.  
-GL

(Thur 11:30 AM)  
Good.  
-SH

(Thur 11:34 AM)  
Got to go.  
-GL

(Thur 7:03 PM)  
First guest is here.  
-GL

(Thur 7:06 PM)  
Where are you?  
-SH

(Thur 7:10 PM)  
Just down the road in a pretty suspicious van.  
-GL

(Thur 7:12 PM)  
Seriously, where do they find these things? It just screams 'we're watching you!'.  
-GL

(Thur 7:14 PM)  
Second guest is here. Security is beginning to filter in.  
-GL

(Thur 7:16 PM)  
I really need a drink.  
-GL

(Thur 7:20 PM)  
Speaking of drinks, we also decked out the bartenders with nightsticks.  
-GL

(Thur 7:36 PM)  
Alexandre Océane just arrived.  
-GL

(Thur 7:38 PM)  
He looks like shit.  
-GL

(Thur 7:39 PM)  
Then again, I would too in his situation.  
-GL

(Thur 8:00 PM)  
One hour mark. Nothing has happened yet. Just about everyone is accounted for.  
-GL

(Thur 8:23 PM)  
Everyone is here.  
-GL

(Thur 8:42 PM)  
Nothing has happened yet. Alexandre is not a very social man.  
-GL

(Thur 8:45 PM)  
Something is up. I can tell.  
-GL

(Thur 8:50 PM)  
What do you mean?  
-SH

(Thur 8:52 PM)  
There you are. Bastard, where have you been?  
-GL

(Thur 8:56 PM)  
I was tied up.  
-SH

(Thur 8:58 PM)  
Maybe we were wrong. Maybe they aren't after him.  
-GL

(Thur 8:59 PM)  
They are. I am never wrong.  
-SH

(Thur 9:00 PM)  
How can I trust you? All of it is so thin. Barely anything connects.  
-GL

(Thur 9:02 PM)  
I. Am. Never. Wrong.  
-SH

(Thur 9:03 PM)  
You're just some guy on the other end of a phone. Who claims to be a genius. It's all so circumstantial, the robberies and the Gala. All of it.  
-GL

(Thur 9:06 PM)  
Will you shut up. I am right about this. I know I am.  
-SH

(Thur 9:10 PM)  
How on Earth are you sure? How?  
-GL

(Thur 9:12 PM)  
The only reason you're doubting me is because your terrified for your fragile life. Pull yourself together, Inspector.  
-SH

(Thur 9:14 PM)  
Actually it's Detective Inespector.  
-GL

(Thur 9:16 PM)  
So act like one. Think.  
-SH

(Thur 9:17 PM)  
What the hell is that supposed to mean?  
-GL

(Thur 9:18 PM)  
Think. You can do it, I'm sure.  
-SH

(Thur 9:19 PM)  
You're sure about an awful lot.  
-GL

(Thur 9:23 PM)  
Okay. Think. Right.  
-GL

(Thur 9:30 PM)  
Fuck.  
-GL

(Thur 9:32 PM)  
Indeed.  
-SH

(Thur 9:33 PM)  
They've played us. How could they do that? How could they know we'd think they would be here?  
-GL

(Thur 9:35 PM)  
That, I do not know.  
-SH

(Thur 9:40 PM)  
We'll stay until the end of the Gala anyway. Just to be sure.  
-SH

(Thur 9:45 PM)  
Alexandre is still in danger.  
-SH

(Thur 9:47 PM)  
But I thought they weren't here?  
-GL

(Thur 9:49 PM)  
As I said, I am never wrong. Alexandre is the only one who hasn't been targeted by the gang, bit suspicious, don't you think?  
-SH

(Thur 9:50 PM)  
So?  
-GL

(Thur 9:52 PM)  
This is Alexandre's blackmail.  
-SH

(Thur 9:54 PM)  
I'm lost.  
-GL

(Thur 9:58 PM)  
Human nature is easily manipulated. Find their pressure point, watch them dance.  
-SH

(Thur 10:00 PM)  
Someone aleeady at the Gala is going to threaten Alexandre?  
-GL

(Thur 10:01 PM)  
Yes.  
-SH

(Thur 10:03 PM)  
Well fuck.  
-GL

(Thur 10:50 PM)  
The Gala is about to end. A couple of speeches and then it's done.  
-GL

(Thur 10:56 PM)  
We've got the signal.  
-GL

(Thur 11:29 PM)  
[Incoming call]

"Sherlock? You- you there?"

"Why are you calling me? Don't you have things to be doing?"

"They're dead, Sherlock. They're all dead. They're all- fuck. I can't- I-"

"Lestrade? What happened? Are you hurt?"

"I don't know- I don't fucking know. It all- God theres so much blood."

"Is it your blood? Who's dead? Lestrade, focus!"

"Sherlock- it- it's good to hear your voice. You have such a nice voice."

"Lestrade, focus. Where are you?"

"I'm- I don't know. It's so cold. It's so cold, Sherlock. There's no air. Sherlock, where did all the air go?"

"Lestrade, I need you to stay calm. Are you hurt?"

"I don't know. There's so much blood- I can't see. Sherlock, it's in my eyes."

"Look, Lestrade. I need you to look, properly. Clear your eyes. Now."

"I- okay. Okay. Don't fucking yell at me."

"Can you see any wounds on your body?"

"Yes- she- she ripped off my kevlar. Sherlock, I can't feel it. It's so cold."

"Can't feel what?"

"My body."

"You've lost too much blood, your body is shutting down and going into shock. Listen to me carefully; where do you see a wound?"

"My- my stomach. I think- I think I'm dying, Sherlock. I don't want to die."

"You won't if you listen to me very carefully."

"I can do that. Okay- yeah, a-alright." 

"I need you to apply pressure to the wound. As hard as you can, Gregory." 

"You used my name. My name has never sounded so good. God, I'm going to die, aren't I?"

"No. You're not."

"I- I think I'm doing it right. They're all dead- my entire t-team, Sherlock. It was everyone, everyone, everyone. Sherlo-"

"Stay calm."

"I can't- I- I can't breathe. Oh God, I can't breathe."

"Lestrade, listen to me. Breathe slowly. Inhale for four seconds, hold for two and then exhale for six."

"I'm bleeding out and you expect me to remember all that? Seriously, fuck you. Fuck you Sherlock Holmes and your goddamn stupid, calm voice."

"I am not calm. Breathe with me." 

"You sure as hell sound calm!"

"...John Watson may be the best man I have ever known but you are, by some mystery, the most infuriating, entertaining and frankly engaging person I have ever texted. Now shut up and let me save your life."

"I- you're ridiculous, you know that?"

"I'm sure you will remind me of that at a later date."

"I don't think there will be a later date, Sherlock."

"There will. Now, breathe."

"I think they've left." 

"John is calling police and ambulances as we speak. Just hold on, please."

"I'm so cold. I don't- I'm so tired."

"That's the blood loss. I think you're in shock."

"Sh-Sherlock if- if this is my last ch-chance to say it-"

"Don't. Don't you dare."

"Don't cry. I can't- don't let the last thing I hear be you crying."

"Lestrade, I am not crying."

"Yes, y-you are, you bastard."

"I-"

"I just realised- I've never s-said-"

"Greg, please. I have never, not once, begged. Don't make me start now."

"I had never said-"

"Will you stop? Why do you insist on this?"

"Hello, Sherlock Holmes."

(Thur Fri 12:00 AM)  
[Call Disconnected]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys know the drill; comments/kudos/hits are loved. On tumblr at queerestalpha. 
> 
> So, sad enough?
> 
> So, the reason Lestrade got very angry during the call was mostly because of the shock, which causes some to become irritable. Yeah, I just thought it might need a bit of an explanation.


End file.
